What Do I Want? The Elusive Answer to Life's Most Fundamental Question

"What do I want?" It's a question that likely resonates with all of us. You'd think such a fundamental query would have a simple answer, but more often than not, the opposite is true. What we truly desire often remains hidden, sometimes stubbornly unclear even after intense introspection.

This is precisely where coaching excels — it's a structured path to get closer to that answer. Let me illustrate why with a story from my own life.

The Spark of Discontent

It took me, by my estimation, at least 15 years to reach a genuine conclusion. That's a long span from the first time I consciously remember asking myself that question. I recall the moment as vividly as if it were yesterday. I was in a seemingly perfect situation: married, living with my husband in our own house, close to my family, with a cat, a job, friends, and a hobby I loved. Then, I hit a burnout.

At the time, this topic was only beginning to gain recognition in Germany, and it felt completely foreign to me. I had no idea what was happening. It was my doctor who finally named it, and he was right — I had all the classic symptoms. That diagnosis was the catalyst for a full-scale inquisition into my life. I wasn't just burnt out; I was profoundly unhappy and couldn't fathom the reason.

So, the investigation began: What is wrong? Why do I feel this way? What exactly am I feeling? And ultimately, what is it that I want? There it was — the ultimate question. I was clueless.

Chasing an Abstraction

I immersed myself in books, attempting to work through the challenge, but found it incredibly difficult to pinpoint my desire. Most literature at the time focused on career topics — essentially finding what you enjoy and turning it into a living. But that was only part of the puzzle; my unhappiness permeated so many areas of my life.

I continued to search, forcing changes for better or worse. I restructured almost everything, convinced it would deliver the answer. It didn't. However, looking back, I realize that even those misguided attempts brought me incrementally closer. I was grappling with a deep depression, consciously and intensely confronting my fears and struggles for the first time. My studies in integrative health promotion helped immensely, giving me the language and framework to understand my experience. Life eventually normalized, I felt better, and I continued with its inevitable ups and downs.

The Recurrence and Revelation

Then, just three years ago, it all came flooding back — another major depressive episode, though in a completely new life situation. An overwhelming sense of failure was omnipresent, yet it also resurrected the most critical question: What do I want? The ironic part was that I thought I knew. I believed I had found an answer and built my life around it. Suddenly, I had to confront the possibility that I had been fundamentally wrong.

The last three years have involved extreme lows and intense self-examination into the root cause of my feelings. I delved into my past, my childhood, and the profound impact my particular upbringing had on my adult struggles. The insight I've gained is immense. Has it helped? Absolutely, but it has been a long, painful process that still requires work.

The Core Need

But now, I finally know what I want. And here's the key revelation: Knowing what I want and why made me realize I was chasing something abstract. I was pursuing a feeling — success, recognition, or becoming "someone special" — that I believed I could attain through external achievements.

Yet, learning about my needs — which were directly linked to my desires — made me understand that it is only these fundamental needs that demand fulfillment. And knowing this, I realized I don't need the external trappings.

What I truly want is simple: to be heard and seen.

The why is equally clear: I never felt heard. I was raised in an emotionally immature and narcissistic environment where my feelings were not validated or accepted. I subconsciously learned to suppress my emotions and lower my voice. The feeling I was chasing was exactly the opposite: validation and visibility. I misinterpreted this need, believing I craved fame, career success, or recognition. Instead, I simply yearn to express my feelings and thoughts because I never genuinely could.

If I had been aware of this core need earlier, I might have made different choices and found contentment sooner. But dwelling on "what could have been" is pointless rumination. What matters is how we address things today. Understanding what is happening within us is a giant leap toward clarity and finally finding out what we actually want.

"Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom."

— Aristotle